November 2001 Interview In The Hummingbird Online Magazine

Are you hopelessly whacked out, or does medication help?

Wow, that's a heck of a way to start an interview... I don't know about being "whacked out;" my world is probably a little more intriguing and thought provoking than average. The meds just help make the ride a little more pleasurable.

Do people cross the street when they see you coming?

No, most of the people I know are Catholic.. they usually cross themselves.

Does anyone even see you coming?

Not at the moment... Hey, I thought I was here to talk about my book!

If a man came up to you and told you he was Christ on the flip-side of his round trip airline ticket, what would you reply?

"Uh... you can have my seat next to the window... I've decided to take the bus!"

Do you believe Harry Potter is the Anti-Christ, or just an alien from another galaxy who has lost his way?

No, I think he's just a stupid kid in a movie that most parents pray they don't have to go see with their kids.

Where in hell can I get a decent Barf Burger with Bunion rings east of the Mississippi?

There's this great place east of Jackson called "The Dumpster," they specialize in recycled food... You should try their dingleberry pie!

What do you think is mankind's greatest problem, aside from mankind?

We tend to look within ourselves for all the answers, when WE'RE the ones who are screwed up! The first step in seeking wisdom is the realization, and the admittance, that you're already a fool... Ooooooh, goose bumps! Oh, and we're a bit pretentious at times too.

Do you believe Klingons (more than one or just one) fathered Scully's baby, or was she digitated by ET?

I don't have anymore problems with Klingons ever since I switched toilet paper brands. As far as the X-Files are conserned, I had to sell my TV because I needed quick cash to defend myself in court over the X-Wife Files.

If you were stranded on a deserted island, would you prefer Jerry Falwell, O. J. Simpson or Osama bin Laden as company?

Not O.J, I hate golf! Not Falwell either, he'd probably talk God into not having us rescued, until I agreed to enroll for one semester at Liberty University and take a course in "The Moral Depravation And Apocalyptic Significance Of Beanie Babies." I guess if it were a deserted island, I could really enjoy some quality time with Osam-Of-A-Bitch if you know what I mean!

Don't you have anything better to do with your time than answer these stupid questions?

I did about 10 minutes ago! What about my book?

OK, how is Elmo Pigglesworth, the character you mention quite a lot in your book, doing?

Finally we're getting somewhere! Elmo's fine. He's currently in Uzbekistan participating in the World Tiddlywink Championship Tournament. This is his third year in the running, and trying to recapture the much coveted Golden Thumbnail Trophy...

Are you still a songwriter?

I haven't written a song in over 5 years. Guess I'm running out of testosterone in my middle age. I used to write between 30 or 40 songs a month, but I've forgotten most of them because I don't know how to write music on paper. I strictly play the guitar by ear. Here, check out these callused lobes!

From whom were you most inspired by musically?

I'm a big fan of this salsa band out of Mexico. It escapes me as to what their name was, as I don't understand Spanish very well; but I met them once in El Paso, Texas. They introduced themselves as Juan, Paulo, Jorge, and Gringo. They never really went anywhere, but they were really good songwriters. Last I heard, they changed their names and moved to England.

Now that your book is written, and on the net, any plans to get it into print?

No one is stopping you from from printing it if you want to...

What is your next project?